Name It. Heal It. Own It.

Most of us are largely unaware of the extent in which we are trapped and affected by our triggers, which are rooted in stressful and emotional experiences we encountered during our younger years. How deeply we were impacted can dictate how we react and respond to our current experiences, which in turn shapes our reality. If we often respond in anger, bitterness, and resentment, then this will be mirrored in our reality. So, if we want a reality filled with peace, gratitude, and happiness, then we must examine this closely.

Nevertheless, this ideology should not be used as an excuse to adopt a victim mentality. On the contrary, it will help us gain control over our emotions; otherwise known as "owning it", refining ourselves to be the best version of us.

I would also be remiss not to mention the fact that our DNA, tethered to our spirit, also plays an incredibly large role in who we become. Regardless, we do have the power to live better if we choose.

Why This Work Is Important.

It is important to identify how we respond to our triggers and what occurred to bring forth our emotional responses. In other words, we must be cognizant of how we act and what causes us to do so.

Why is this important? Because if we cannot face our anger, faults, or trauma and instead decide to bury them, they will leak out in other ways. Unfortunately, those ways are often fueled by nastiness, bitterness, and resentment. As a result, our perception of reality becomes filtered through these emotions, and life can feel overwhelmingly negative—not exactly living our best life.

Not only that, our physical body and health will also suffer at the hands of suppression. Medical doctor Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., alludes to this many times throughout his book The Body Keeps the Score. He explains that when you “suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself.” It takes an enormous amount of energy to do this, while stress hormones like cortisol are continually released, leading to health issues such as headaches, muscle aches, and problems with digestion or sexual function (235).

Name It: The Emotion, the Trigger, & Where It First Began

So yes, it’s important to acknowledge how we respond to stimuli that upset us and determine the root cause of these triggers if we want to heal them. Let’s look at an example.

Jayme (totally no correlation here whatsoever 😉) is a working mother who felt she could not keep up with the demands of life. She felt stressed too often, trying to balance work and home responsibilities. When she arrived home from work, she found that her husband didn’t do the dishes he told her would get done.

Jayme flies off the handle and assaults him with a tirade of jabbing insults, followed by her listing all of the chores she had yet to finish that day. She doesn’t want to hear why the dishes weren’t done. She wasn't looking for a conversation or resolution. She was releasing an emotional response that demanded to be heard. The outburst was the response—but the deeper task of understanding why she was angry was more important. Because it was never just about the dishes.

Beneath the anger was something more. Through meditation and prayer, Jayme set an intention by asking God, “What is it about the action of not doing a chore that truly upsets me?” Clearing her mind, while using mindfulness techniques during mediation and prayer, she dug deeper. Then, she realized she felt hurt that he didn’t help. Then, came the tears. Hurt was the true emotion, masked by anger.

However, folks, it doesn’t stop there.

After identifying the underlying emotion, Jayme delved into the reasons behind her feelings of hurt. She wondered why this situation brought forth such an emotional response? Whereas other wives might have simply felt annoyed, her emotion was deeper. One way she found the answer was when she examined her past to identify where and when she felt similar. This required some reflection and time. But after a while, old memories of abandonment surfaced. There were times that her younger self needed love and support but did not receive it, leaving her feeling hurt. So in essence, Jayme felt her husband didn’t care enough to show up and help her, which triggered an old wound of abandonment.

There is no blame in this backward-looking process—only understanding. The purpose of "where it began first" in our youth, is NOT to place blame with our loved ones. We are all experiencing life and it's inevitable that we will experience despair and hurt at one point or another. It's more important that we focus on how we learn from these times because there is no personal growth with the "blame game". And quite honestly, playing the victim is the easy way out (within reason because very traumatic incidents are a different beast then "not doing the dishes").

Heal It

Changing Perspective

Hence, having a profound awareness of why the situation caused Jayme distress, allowed her to filter the situation through a different lens. The next time the dishes aren't done, she can pause and find out the reason why, before emotionally reacting. Or respond by saying, "No clean dishes? I guess we're eating out!"

Truly though, doing this work is a step closer to healing and living a life with more peace.

Free Write

If you’re an over thinker, this is going to suck—but do it anyway.

The best time to free write is early in the morning (in my opinion). Wake up earlier, meditate, pray, and then free write. This means writing continuously without lifting your pen. Do not think—just allow the first words that come to mind----flow onto the page.

Do not worry about grammar, punctuation, or spelling. This process allows your subconscious—the emotional part of your brain—to be heard. Do this daily, and you’ll be amazed at the insights and solutions you uncover for yourself.

Free write after you’ve named the underlying emotion and identified the childhood experience tied to your current trigger. Do not judge what you write. This takes courage—to face your skeletons, deepest hurts, and fears. I’m serious.

And this writing is for you alone… unless you’re like me and decide to write a blog about it 🤔.

Breath work

This helps calm emotional responses.

Find solitude if possible. Take a deep breath in through your nose, and when you think you’ve reached your limit—take one more sip of air. Hold for four seconds, then release through your mouth, expelling all the air.

As you inhale, envision the light of God—peace and love—entering through your head and flowing down to your toes. As you exhale, imagine yourself grounding into the earth, releasing negative thoughts and emotions. Repeat as needed.

Pause Before Responding

When the dishes aren’t done—or when someone belittles you—pause. Recognize that you’ve been triggered, then consciously decide how to respond. That pause also gives the other person space to reflect on what they’ve said or done.

Physical Movement (In Nature if Possible)

Movement has been scientifically proven to reduce stress and can be a powerful outlet for built-up emotions. While it won’t cure buried wounds, it can help release emotional energy.

Own It

Simple: don’t allow your triggers to control your emotions and well-being. Own this responsibility.

Well…perhaps we can't own it all the time. Especially when your kids leave underwear and socks all over the house 😜.

This is a forever and ongoing process. Some days will be better than others but understanding why we respond the way we do helps us live in greater peace.

Seeking Further Guidance

If you’re looking for further guidance, check out my socials:

📱 TikTok: @jamie_innerlight

📘 Facebook: InnerLight Body & Soul

You can also contact me directly for private coaching: jamieinnerlight@gmail.com

Love,

Jamie